Room 504, Tuesday Afternoon

[wesleynotponcy]

It was afternoon. Or maybe it was morning. Or night, even. Wesley hadn't moved since coming to his room in the first place yesterday after finishing watching the Games, at which point he'd slumped onto the floor with a bottle of scotch and proceeded to down what felt like most of it. His head lolled back against the bed behind him. 

Everything hurt. Just -- less, with the fuzzy outline that alcohol gave everything. He wasn't moving.

[[for she who knows who she is! NFB, please.]]

Comments

[glacial_queen]

Karla...wasn't entirely sure what time she'd left last night. It was long after the scotch (and the wine and the honey-pear liqueur and the...shut up, her metabolism made it really hard to get drunk and Wesley had claimed most of the scotch for himself) had vanished and the sun had been coming up over the horizon.

It had taken awhile for her to convince herself to get out of bed and then slightly longer to convince herself not to just call a portal and go somewhere--anywhere--else, but considering the state she'd left Wesley in last night, she be a lousy friend if she didn't check in on him, promise or no.

So after a shower long enough to help her feel human again, and a quick stop for water, tea, and real food, Karla was tapping on his door.

"It's Karla," she called through the wood. "I'd like to come in."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

Wesley groaned, cradling his empty bottle to his chest in preparation for Karla's return. She could come in, but he didn't want to be judged -- or more importantly, to have his scotch taken from him. This wasn't a time for sharing, and he needed all of it. And no, he wasn't immediately aware that it was empty.

"Come in," he rasped, utterly unaware of the mess she would find inside.

[glacial_queen]

He wasn't going to be judged, but Karla was going to take his scotch away. She would even if it hadn't been empty for hours. One day of drinking to cope was allowable. More than that was not.

"Hey," she said softly, opening up the door. The mess barely got a second look; she'd seen most of it already. "How's the head?"

There had been stern conversations about drinking water before she'd finally staggered out, but she wasn't sure how much he'd actually been listening for.

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

The water thing had gone completely over his head, yes. But that was fine, because his head ached and he liked it that way. A dull sort of throbbing to remind him of how much pain he was in.

"Good," he rasped. Although his definition of "good" was a bit different from that of someone who wasn't clutching an empty bottle.

[glacial_queen]

"Somehow I doubt that's true," Karla said, crossing over to him and kneeling at his side. After first kicking a few things to the side, yes. "You didn't listen about the water thing, did you?" she asked, reaching for the bottle. She didn't really expect an answer. It was kind of obvious, anyway.

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

He shook his head somberly. "No," he said truthfully. Because the water was all the way -- somewhere else, and the scotch was here and the bottle helped him be comfortable. Water bottles didn't help make anyone comfortable.

"Water," he said, his voice scratchy. "The arena had water..."

[glacial_queen]

"In the trees," Karla agreed gently, trying to pry the scotch free from his grip. "And you sent her the spile so they could get it. You helped her, Wesley. But regardless of what the arena did or did not have, you need to drink. Water, not more scotch."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

Finally, he let the bottle go, then stared at his hands as if betrayed by their weakness. "Fine," he said at last. Water.

Had he helped? What was the point of the spile if she was dead now? He could have sent her a -- a protective suit, or something. Why had he been so useless?

[glacial_queen]

Karla vanished the bottle and called over a water bottle in exchange, twisting off the cap before passing it over. "Don't," she said, a little sharply. "You don't think you're the only one trying to think how and when we could have helped her? Done something more, something better? I could have added a shield to something innocuous, like a piece of jewelry. It's not going to bring her back. It's not going to help. All it will do is make you more miserable."

Getting up, she went over to try to open one of the windows in the room. It was still raining, but a bit of fresh air might help.

"Katniss wouldn't want that. You know it."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

She was right, of course. But -- he was supposed to be good at this. Helping warriors become champions. It was what he was trained for.

It was what he had been fired for not doing. And it mattered so much more now.

"When am I going to be good at this?" he whispered, desperately.

[glacial_queen]

"Losing someone?" Karla asked. "Never, probably. I don't know anyone who is." Window open and a slight breeze coming through, Karla turned back around and joined Wesley on the floor, reaching for his hand. "Right now, it's taking everything I have to not just run, leave the island for awhile. It's what I do anytime I lose someone. I just...have to get away."

The only reason she hadn't? Because Katniss had made her promise. And why? Because Katniss had gone in, knowing she wouldn't be coming back. Karla needed to figure out whether that was something Wesley should be told.

"We knew the odds were against her when she went in," she continued, erring on the side of caution until she decided. "We know Snow wanted her dead from the beginning. At least this way...she wasn't taken out by a monkey or the mist or some half-mad Tribute. She went out fighting the Capitol. That had to mean something, even if it doesn't exactly make those of us left behind feel any better."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

Not losing someone. Helping people. But putting that into words took so much effort, and Wesley had no intention of letting Karla know just how awful he was at it.
Buffy hating the Council. Faith -- evil. And now Katniss, dead. Because he couldn't help. It was what he was born for and raised for, but he couldn't do it.

And the aftermath of that? He didn't have to get away from the island. He had to get away from himself, if he could. Scotch and the floor of his room were clichéd, but they were close enough to what he wanted.

Karla's words did touch something in him. "She was so strong," he agreed, his voice still torn and ragged. "She -- she chose. They put her in there and stripped her of everything, and she chose."

[glacial_queen]

Unfortunately, Karla wasn't going to let him default to scotch and the floor of his room. "She stayed true to herself, which is the hardest part of the whole thing," she agreed, nudging the water bottle to get him to drink. "She walked in as Katniss and she died as Katniss. That takes a kind of strength that so many people don't have. And part of that strength came from you."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

What? No... that couldn't be right. She'd always been that strong. As he took a sip of the water, swallowing it down despite the way it burned his throat to take in something other than alcohol right now, he shook his head.

"It was all her own strength," he insisted once he was done drinking. "It's the reason I love her."

That was... surprisingly poignant.

[glacial_queen]

It was, but in its own way, wrong, at least from where Karla was standing. Okay, sitting, in the midst of Wesley's stuff.

"That's not...entirely true," she said slowly. "Katniss was strong; no one can deny that. But everyone in that room was there because we touched her life in some way. Made her stronger, made her better. Gave her something she didn't have before. You loved her because she was strong, right? Then, think of this. Why did she love you?"

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

Well... well... that was difficult to say. Wesley stared down into the water bottle and then, as he thought of words he could possibly use, he took another sip.

Way to go, Karla. Stumpers led to hydration.

"I don't know," he said miserably once he was done. "I taught her how to shoot a gun. There's that."

[glacial_queen]

Karla was frowning at him now, like a tutor with a boy who'd refused to learn his lessons. "This goes beyond what you taught her, Wesley," she said. "You trusted her. You believed in her. Maybe you've never lacked that--" Karla had obviously never met Mr. Wyndam-Pryce "--so you don't understand how precious that can be to someone. You gave her strength simply by loving her as Katniss and needing her to be nothing other than who she already was."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

Oh. Did people like Katniss need that too? He'd tried to support her, of course, but it hadn't occured to him how meaningful that would be to her. It meant a lot to him to have her support in return, but then, he wasn't a champion. The idea that someone like her could need that sort of validation was new to him.

"I didn't realize," he said softly. "That she would want that."

Congratulations, Karla, you've just unearthed a whooole 'nother pile of Wesley issues.

[glacial_queen]

It was like a special gift she had!

"But you gave it to her anyway," Karla said. "Maybe not in so many words, but she felt it. She knew. Katniss maybe wasn't always the most perceptive female in the world when it came to emotions, but you? She never had a doubt about you."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

Oh.

Wesley sat for a moment, taking in Karla's words and trying to assess their accuracy. But of course she knew what she was talking about.

"Nor I her," he whispered.

[glacial_queen]

Well...she hoped she did, anyway. She and Katniss had never really sat down and had a warm, fuzzy heart to heart about Wesley. She didn't really think Katniss sat down to have warm, fuzzy heart to hearts with anybody. But that didn't mean Karla couldn't draw her own conclusions.

Normally, she wouldn't just go around sharing said conclusions, but...she had a feeling that some of them were things Wesley needed to hear.

"Talk to me about her," she urged. "Tell me. How did you fall for her? When? Your heart is so full of her right now. Share some of that with me."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

It meant a lot that Karla was willing to listen, so Wesley found himself talking, confessing everything that came to mind

"I met her at the welcome picnic," he murmured. "She was -- she looked so lost, and -- skinny, even more than she is now. I -- " He laughed at the memory. "I asked where she was from. And I had never heard of Panem, but I pretended I did, because I felt just as lost as she was and I wanted to... orient myself, somehow. And she caught me in the lie, of course, but we... we became friends anyway. I taught her how to shoot a gun, and she taught me how to use a bow. And, well, we hunted together, and she was incredible."

Suddenly freed from the full burden of these words, he found himself feeling lighter. And, very faintly, he was smiling.

[glacial_queen]

"I showed her a little about herbs," Karla said, taking heart from his smile a bit. She passed him a small bun while she talked in the hopes he'd start picking at it a little. "Showed her my herbal and gave her some plants to send home to her mother."

She'd meant to wander the Preserve with Katniss, share their knowledge, but they'd just...ran out of time.

"What was she like, on the hunt?" she said instead. "Incredible how?"

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

Now Wesley was smiling as if in a trance, remembering. "She was -- quiet," she said softly. "She -- leapt around. Her feet must have touched the floor at some point, but I couldn't hear her. She could make herself inaudible. When -- that weekend when we had that little girl, they were in perfect sync. Like every move was choreograped."

[glacial_queen]

Karla wasn't sure if Wesley usually spoke like a poet, or if talking about Katniss just brought it out in him. "Is that when you knew you loved her?" she asked. "Or was it something else?"

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

Neither, actually -- it was the scotch, and the reflective tone of the afternoon, that drew that out of him.

"I suppose that was a lot of it," he said softly, thoughtfully. "And other things. Her eyes when I made that fake prom for her. The way she looked after me when I was an owl. How shw never laughed at me when I fell out of a tree."

[glacial_queen]

"Fake prom?" That was something Karla hadn't heard about. "Why did you--oh. You were an owl still for real prom, weren't you?"

That gesture was unexpectedly sweet and romantic. Her estimation of Wesley went up a notch or two.

[Sooooo sorry for how late this is! Unexpectedly busy day ended in extra-unexpected tornados!]

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

Wesley flushed slightly, then nodded. "Yes," he admitted. "I just thought -- well, she was about to leave, and..."

[[Oh, gosh! I hope everything's okay!]]

[glacial_queen]

"And so you did something to show her how much she meant to you," Karla supplied. "You should eat that." She nodded at the bun in his hands. "You're not doing anyone any favors by not eating."

[They didn't touch down in my town, thank goodness. But they did lot of damage around us.]

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

He didn't have much of an appetite, but he took a small bite for Karla's sake. Honestly, the fact that he was functional enough to even talk, let alone eat, was pretty phenomenal, and nothing at all like his typical coping method. Score one for Karla.

"Well," he said softly. "I wasn't sure if she'd even like it. I know she's not really the dances-and-parties sort of girl, but..."

[glacial_queen]

She appreciated the effort in eating, she really did.

"Maybe not, but there are few females--Hell's fire, few people--who wouldn't appreciate the thought and effort behind it," Karla pointed out. "And if she'd decided to take it casual that night, I doubt you would have protested much."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

And there was that tiny half-smile again, twitching at the corners of Wesley's lips in spite of everything.

"True enough," he admitted. "We -- we were good together, weren't we?" he asked, flicking his eyes up at Karla uncertainly.

[glacial_queen]

"You were," Karla agreed, reaching over for his hand. She looked at him directly in his eyes as she said it. "You complemented one another's strengths and shored up each other's weaknesses. You reminded Katniss that there was more to life than just the Games and politics and pain and rebellion. You made her laugh and smile again...something I'm not sure she ever expected to do again. That's a gift I don't think she was expecting."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

Wesley nodded. "I -- I'm glad I could at least give that to her," he said softly, truthfully.

And he took another bite of the bun before finally guessing, "I think... I think I'll be all right, Karla."

It was an odd realization, the idea that he could heal. It had never been one of his strengths, healing. And yet what she had done today had helped him. A lot.

[glacial_queen]

Karla looked at him for a full moment before slowly nodding. "I think you will be, too," she said quietly. "I'm glad. She wouldn't have wanted you to remain broken after she was gone. You're too strong for that, too."

Giving his hand one final squeeze, Karla stood up. "Get a shower," she said frankly. "You smell like scotch."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

Wesley nodded, and stood up with her. He still hurt, but for the first time in his life, he had a support system through which to deal with the hurt. Its effects on him were considerable.

"Thank you, Karla," he said seriously. "I... this was..."

[glacial_queen]

"No thanks needed," Karla said quietly. "You're my friend. She was she. It's what friends are for."

She would have done it even without a promise.

"Don't be afraid to come knocking on my door if you ever want to talk, either," she added. "There will be days when it's going to be hard again, just as hard as yesterday. Don't get all male and foolish and think you have to go through those days alone."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

"Actually," Wesley said, glancing over for Karla's approval, "I thought I might arrange a sort of... memorial, of some sort?" The idea had only come to him just now, but he knew at once that it was something he wanted to do. "And then everyone who wishes to could just... grieve together."

[glacial_queen]

"Ooh, I like that idea," Karla said with a nod. "Something small, I think. Maybe outside? That seems more her than everyone going to the church in town."

Besides, every time Karla went into a church, she ended up traumatizing someone.

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

Wesley nodded. Hesitantly, he offered, "She liked the Preserve..."

[glacial_queen]

"I think that's a place that suggests Katniss like no other," Karla said. "Nothing fancy, just a few words..."

She paused, thoughtful. "Did you know her name is actually a plant? Arrowhead. Maybe we could plant some? I can make sure they thrive."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

Wesley's eyes lit up. "Would you?" he asked, intrigued. "That -- I think she'd like that. Almost like a proper -- " His voice cracked ever so slightly on the last word -- "burial."

[glacial_queen]

"She covered Rue in flowers," Karla said quietly, knowing if she spoke to quickly or too loud, she would cry again. "I think--I think this would be kind of like that, yes."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

"I remember," he said softly, recalling that one beautiful, powerful moment from Katniss' first Games. "Then we'll do that. Whoever wants to."

[glacial_queen]

Karla offered Wesley a soft smile. "This is a beautiful idea. It will help. Thank you, Wesley."

[wesleynotponcy.livejournal.com]

Wesley allowed himself to smile back, tentatively. "Of course," he said. "And thank you."

She'd said not to thank her, but he was going to break the rules just this once.